Frank's BEST CHOCOLATE JOKES
For the week of APRIL 23, 2006
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It's not that chocolates are a substitute for love.Love is a substitute for chocolate. Chocolate is, let's face it, far more reliable than a man.
CHOCOLATE RULES:
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the shop in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Money talks. Chocolate sings.
A chocolate in the mouth is worth two on the plate.
19 REASONS CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX
19. You can GET chocolate.
18. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
17. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
16. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
15. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
14. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
13. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
12. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
11. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.
9. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
8. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
7. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
6. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
5. Good chocolate is easy to find.
4. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
3. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
2. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
1. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good.
If it ain't chocolate, it ain't breakfast!
CHOCOLATE SINGS One day I had a date for lunch with friends. Mae, about 80 years old, came along with them.
When the menus were presented, we ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups, except for Mae who said, "Ice Cream, please. Two scoops, chocolate."I wasn't sure my ears heard right, and the others were aghast. "Along with heated apple pie," Mae added, completely unabashed.
We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time. But when our orders were brought out, I didn't enjoy mine. I couldn't take my eyes off Mae as her pie a-la-mode went down.
The other ladies showed dismay. They ate their lunches silently and frowned.The next time I went out to eat, I called and invited Mae. I lunched on white meat tuna. She ordered a parfait. I smiled.
She asked if she amused me. I answered, "Yes, you do, but also you confuse me. How come you order rich desserts, while I feel I must be sensible?She laughed and said,, "I'm tasting all that's possible. I try to eat the food I need, and do the things I should. But life's so short, my friend, I hate missing out on something good.
"This year I realized how old I was. I haven't been this old before.""So, before I die, I've got to try those things that for years I had ignored. I haven't smelled all the flowers yet. There are too many books I haven't read. There's more fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown overhead.
"There are many malls I haven't shopped. I've not laughed at all the jokes. I've missed a lot of Broadway hits and potato chips and cokes. I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face. I want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace.
"I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast. I want UN-timed long distance calls to the folks I love the most. I haven't cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning rain. I need to feel wind in my hair. I want to fall in love again.
"So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner, then should I die before night fall, I'd say I died a winner, because I missed out on nothing. I filled my heart's desire. I had that final chocolate mousse before my life expired. "With that, I called the waitress over. "I've changed my mind," I said. "I want what she is having, only add some more whipped cream!"
There's nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with CHOCOLATE
TO BE REMEMBERED: THE TWO MAJOR FOOD GROUPS:
1)The foods you put cheese on.
2) The remaining foods you put chocolate on.
Hot Chocolate. Stolen Hershey Bar.
You know you are on the right track when you count your blessings and chocolate is Number 1.
Chocolate. Coffee. Men. Some things are just better RICH.
NEWS FLASH: CHOCOLATE BETTER THAN LOVE Many have fallen out of love but no one has ever fallen out of chocolate.
Nobody knows the truffles I've seen!
IT'S OFFICIAL: Chocolate has been proven to be an extremely powerful aphrodisiac. Just one taste sets your heart thumping creating within you wild passionate desires.
Desires so strong that you know you must satisfy the craving. You suddenly realize that you just can’t exist another moment without life’s most sinful pleasure - chocolate.
Chocolate - The breakfast of champions!
DEAR DIARY Sunday : Ate lots of chocolate. Monday : Ate lots of chocolate. Tuesday : Ate lots of chocolate. Wednesday : Ate lots of chocolate. Thursday : Ate lots of chocolate. Friday : Ate lots of chocolate. Saturday : Didn't eat any chocolate. (I Lied.)
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
A TRIFECTA OF OUR FAVORITES FOR THIS WEEK.
YOU MAY BE A CHOCOHOLIC IF:
Your favorite wine is Cocoa Cuvee Brut.You only ever bathe in hot chocolate.You fall asleep by counting chocolate sheep jumping a chocolate fenceYou have a tendency to melt in hot weatherYou name your children Nestle and Lindt.You have a huge collection of chocolate bar wrappers.You judge people by the type of chocolate they eat.You have panic attacks when down to your last ten bars.You receive volume discounts from your suppliers.Your recipe for choc chip cookies has only one ingredient - chocolate.You wear essence of cocoa perfume on special occasions.You spend more time planning chocolate extravaganzas than planning your career.You campaign to have a national holiday created to commemorate the discovery of cocoa.You consider ‘Death by Chocolate’ the only way to go.You eat an entire batch of newly baked brownies before they have time to cool.
Simply put... everyone has a price, mine is chocolate!
PLACE: FAIRY TALE
While walking in the woods Douglas saw a young fairy who had fallen into the river and bravely dived in to rescue her. In gratitude the fairy granted Douglas three wishes. He wished for a huge pile of gold, and ‘poof’ there it was. Then he wished for a huge palace, again ‘poof’ and there it was. Finally he wished he could be irresistible to all women. There was a blinding flash, a mighty roar and ... poof - he turned into a box of chocolates.
Everything I eat should contain eithergarlic or chocolate, but rarely both
DICTIONARY
Romance : The art of slowly and seductively unwrapping your chocolate bar.
Diet : Cutting down from twelve to eleven chocolate gateaux per day.
Recipe : A formula to ensure that chocolate is included in everything from baked potatoes to onion soup.
Self Control : Saving half your box of chocolates until 'later'.
Ultimate Act of Generosity : Grudgingly giving someone a square of your precious chocolate.
Love : A passionate need for another. Many believe that true love is only possible with one chocolate bar at a time.
Unrequited Love : When your chocolate cake just doesn't seem to care about you any more.
Aphrodisiac: Chocolate covered oysters served with chocolate flavoured champagne.
Chocophobia : The totally logical fear that the world will run out of chocolate.
Glutton : Anyone who refuses to share with you.Affair : Having a wonderful time with one chocolate ice cream while another is patiently waiting in the fridge.
Sex Appeal : Being so 'hot' that you cause chocolate to melt at first glance.
THIS WEEK'S BEST LINKS - NOT YOUR USUAL JIGSAW PUZZLE...
This is amazing how it works while it is moving all the time.
CLICK HERE! http://www.brl.ntt.co.jp/people/hara/fly.swf
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Put the chocolate in the bag and nobody gets hurt.
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Hugs, Carolyn
Carolyn Kaiser http://us.f308.mail.yahoo.com/ym/Compose?To=frank@suddenlysenior.com
Frank Kaiser http://us.f308.mail.yahoo.com/ym/Compose?To=frank@suddenlysenior.com
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posted by LadyIrene @ 4/23/2006 08:16:00 PM
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