A few jokes for this week from Frank
EVE TALKS TO GOD "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"And why is that Eve?"
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"Man? What is that Lord?"
"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things.
I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch Lord?"
"Well, you can have him on one condition."
"And what's that Lord? "
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring ... so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret. Woman to woman."
Added 6/28 OMG/dess! Did I get flack for this one, above! One geosite chose to add it and another had no comment. But one I got Flame Mailed from a third! Such sensitive people to sexist jokes. I guess I have a tough hide? I have all my life found that my humor has been deemed dark or off. But look, I find like people! Who if not are worse than me! It was like I severered a body part! Or cast dispersions on someone's ethinic choice of being. I noticed the Goddess in the end. I thought it was a cute angle to the creation of Man. And thought it was cute, and I didn't add the one that had the creation of Woman ruined by adding a mouth in the end. Frank apologized for who it would offend, but still chose to share it. And that is what I did. So for all those who believe God is Woman (Female) Enjoy!
And yes, boys like to play with balls. Gosh how many national past times are with balls being thrown around? And it made me realize that more that I have what in common with this group? So I feel I learned a lesson. I sent Frank the fact that I got into hot water for this! And Frank was kind to respond that such a thing ( learning a lesson) is not a bad thing! Thanks Frank for all you do! I will continue to share your site and humor with many others! Every one I know enjoyed the "JOKE"! Meant for enjoyment not a political statement or to skin people's pride.
The End on that Subject!
THE ART OF MAKING LOVE
Three men from different countries were talking about their sex lives.
The Italian says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.
"The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes".
The Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with chicken fat. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours."
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?"
The Jewish man says, "I wiped my hands on the bedspread!!!"
Some women get excited about nothing, and then marry him.
SILENCE IS GOLDEN
Two guys from Montana were out fishing and drinking beer.
All of a sudden one of the fishermen said, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over six months."His buddy takes another swig of his beer, thinks for a moment and says, "You better think it over women like that are hard to find."
Always remember: one good turn gets most of the blankets.
Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly.Well enough about ME! How are you?
WITH APOLOGIES TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE (for what is below, Frank.)
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden. Then he said to Himself, "There's something he's needing.' "After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl. Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender. Two lovely hips to increase his desire, And rounded and firm to bring out the fire. Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud. Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you. Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder. T‘ was made for a man, just to make his heart sing. Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole damn thing.
Everyone needs to be loved, Especially when they don't deserve it.
HORMONE GUIDE FOR MEN
We know that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
PMS DICTIONARY
1. Pass My Shotgun
THE ART OF MAKING LOVE
Three men from different countries were talking about their sex lives.
The Italian says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.
"The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes".
The Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with chicken fat. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours."
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?"
The Jewish man says, "I wiped my hands on the bedspread!!!"
Some women get excited about nothing, and then marry him.
SILENCE IS GOLDEN
Two guys from Montana were out fishing and drinking beer.
All of a sudden one of the fishermen said, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over six months."His buddy takes another swig of his beer, thinks for a moment and says, "You better think it over women like that are hard to find."
Always remember: one good turn gets most of the blankets.
Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly.Well enough about ME! How are you?
WITH APOLOGIES TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE (for what is below, Frank.)
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden. Then he said to Himself, "There's something he's needing.' "After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl. Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender. Two lovely hips to increase his desire, And rounded and firm to bring out the fire. Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud. Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you. Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder. T‘ was made for a man, just to make his heart sing. Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole damn thing.
Everyone needs to be loved, Especially when they don't deserve it.
HORMONE GUIDE FOR MEN
We know that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
PMS DICTIONARY
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
AT THE DRUG STORE
(Screach! I sent this in. It is from David's site.)
Sarah walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
Sarah then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy. Ican't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Sarah reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of herhusband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked a the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Sarah walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
Sarah then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy. Ican't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Sarah reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of herhusband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked a the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE
A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
"Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there had better be something in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!
"The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package in the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.
His funeral is on Saturday at 2 p.m.
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Frank Kaiser: See also The Dragon's Muse, my wife's excellent crone site. http://www.dragonmuse.com/
See his favorite links for this week: Political, health, advocacy, fun. http://www.suddenlysenior.com/links.shtml
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Jokes as found in http://www.suddenlysenior.com
David's site where I got Arsnic from.
http://dalleh.com/djd/forum/viewforum.php?forum_id=3
(We don't think of every thing when we get old)
When Cinderella got Old
(For a NY fan)
Rules for Yankees who move to the south
(Included above)
Arsenic
(What is in the mind of boys)
God is missing
(Ya know all those stories of how much less than a buck got?)
Good old days
(Send us the address' for your friends and family, see the reward!)
Bill Gates
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[ back to top ] added 6/28 as my side navagation does not work as it should, on the side.
posted by LadyIrene @ 6/13/2006 01:00:00 AM
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