Suddenly Senior with Frank & Carolyn for the week of Jan 14 for
Frank Kaiser Light, knowing voice reporting from the front lines of geezerdom.
Category: Humor > Columns and Columnists www.suddenlysenior.com
THIS WEEK‘SBEST DUMBJOKES
FOR THE WEEK OFJANUARY 14, 2007
Got a favorite joke? Share it with us. mailto:carolyn@suddenlysenior.com
2007 MERGERS, INVEST NOW!
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women willbecome: Knott NOW!Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang!
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
PRAYER FOR THE STRESSED
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work.12% on Monday,23% on Tuesday,40% on Wednesday20% on Thursday,5% on Fridays
Help me to remember.....When I'm having a really bad day and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
LONG TIME, NO BLOND JOKE HERE
Carol and Donna, both blond, were doing some carpentry work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
What ever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
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It's not the size that counts, it's the,umm, actually, it is the size.
SHOPPING 101
Susie is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssssssco!" Soon a store clerk approaches and says, "Lady, the Crisco is in aisle D." Susie replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband." The clerk is astonished. "Your husband's name is Crisco?"
Susie answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public." "I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?" Susie smiles and says, “Lard ass."
Over self-confidence is equal to being blind.
A TRIFECTA OF SOME OF THE DEEPEST DOODOO
WIN:
DINGALING
Officer O’Riley stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. The officer asks the man his name."Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds.Officer O’Riley is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket, but continues to press Fred for the last name.
Fred tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.O’Riley thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"Fred replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me.""I was born Fred Dingaling. I know—a funny last name. Kids used to tease me all the time.
So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.“"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.“"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD.
So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.“
‘Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD.“
“Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.““Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred. "There was no ticket issued, as Officer O’Riley figured Fred had suffered enough.
I am doing my best to imagine you with a personality.
PLACE:
STUFF YOUR MOM TAUGHT YOU TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE;
"if you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
RELIGION; "You better pray that comes out of the carpet."
TIME TRAVEL; "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."
LOGIC; "Because I said so, thats why!"
MORE LOGIC; "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you‘re not going to the store with me."
FORESIGHT; "Make sure you wear clean underwear, just in case you are in an accident."
IRONY; "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about." OSMOSIS; "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
CONTORTIONISM; "Will you look at that dirt in the back of your neck."
STAMINA; "You sit there 'till all that spinach is gone."
WEATHER; "This room of yours looks like a tornado just went through it."
HYPOCRISY; "I've told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
CIRCLE OF LIFE; "I brought you into this world, I can take you out."
BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION; "Stop acting like your father."
ENVY; "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
ANTICIPATION; "Just wait until we get home."
MEDICAL SCIENCE; "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze like that."
ESP; "Put your sweater on. Don't you think I know when you‘re cold?"
HUMOR; "When the lawn mower cuts your toes off, don't come running to me."
GENETICS; "You‘re just like your father."
WISDOM; "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." }
JUSTICE; "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
If I want to hear the patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat
SHOW:
MONEY, HONEY
Bill Gates called the Vatican and asked, "May I speak to the head hog at the trough?"Sister Mary Margaret thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?"Bill repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"She said, "Well, if you mean the Pope, then you may refer to him as “His Holiness“, but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!"Bill Gates replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000,00 to the building fund...."To this the good Sister quickly responded "Hang on, I think the big fat pig just walked in!"
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
THIS WEEK‘S FUNNIEST LINK...
What if all these famous folks were Jewish?
http://www.aish1.com/videos/jewishmoms2.swf%20
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Hugs, Carolyn
Carolyn Kaiser mailto:frank@suddenlysenior.com
Frank Kaiser frank@suddenlysenior.com
http://www.suddenlysenior.com/ Suddenly Senior — the internationally syndicated column read by 2.3 million bright folks over 50 in 131 countries all of whom have become senior way before their time.
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[Only took out one. For more than jokes see all they have to make your life more enjoyable. Fan for a time in a big way!]
posted by LadyIrene @ 1/20/2007 12:03:00 AM
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