You didn't miss them, jokes from Carolyn from 2/18/7
THE BEST GETTING OLDER? JOKES FOR THE WEEK OF FEBRUARY 18, 2007
Compiled by Carolyn Kaiser [It is fun to see what you contribute published here!]
Got a favorite joke? Share it with us. http://us.f308.mail.yahoo.com/ym/Compose?To=frank@suddenlysenior.com
These don't show here. Maxine Cartoons: Attitude on life.
- Age doesn't make you forgetful. Having way too many stupid things to remember makes you forgetful.
- If you woke up breathing congratulations! You have another chance Butt jiggle is just my little way of Waving goodbye!
- If there is a Tourist Season how come we can't Shoot them?
- Real women don't have hot flahes. They have Power Surges
- If your friends can accurately guess your age, you need to find dumber friends.
- If you want my opinion, I think people should keep their opions to themselves.
- Women who think about remarring should just throw some men's underwear on hte floor and shove all the blankets to the other side of the bed instead.
- I do believe in Reincarnation But I do not believe there is Life before noon
- Life is Too short to dance with ugly men.
- Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!
* Since this blog won't let me add pictures anymore, [computer error blocks me from doing what I want to do here.] this site has individual #'s of cartoons. But is fun to open and find what has been added here. The Maxine cartoons. Scream of the Crop Jokes Maxine Cartoon Page
LET’S HEAR IT FOR FRED : Fred walks into a confessional.
Fred: "Father, I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"Fred: "What sins?"Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"Fred: "I'm Jewish."Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"Fred: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
A DOCTOR LECTURES IN TAMPA, FLORIDA : The good Doctor was speaking to a group of Seniors at a local retirement village. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
“Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
“But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
RUBBER THING : An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls.
As he gets up, a thirteen-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."The old man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing thirteen years ago, I would have a seat today."
AMEN : As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul.As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory," I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of he workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.“
EVIL WOMAN : An “older” woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural club.She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands."Actually, no," he replied."Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair."I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?""Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently."What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say."Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
GOOD GUESS : Three old ladies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. An old man walked by, and one of the old ladies yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."
One of the old ladies said, "Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers. The ladies stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!""How in the world did you guess?!?"
The ladies chuckled and said "We were at your birthday party yesterday.
NOT TAKING ANY CHANCES : A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
A TRIFECTA OFGETTING OLDER JOKES
WIN: GOOD FOR YOU
An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper.
During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them."Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked."Naw, sir, they all be my younguns," the old man replied with a sly grin."Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?""Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife.""Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more than 19 years old.""Thass right," said the old man with pride."Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 115 and she being only 19," the reporter remarked."Sir, " said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on, and every morning six of my boys helps me off.""Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?""Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist, "I fights 'em."
PLACE: TRAVEL AND BINGO
A group of Americans was traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goats' milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced.She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours, or make us go play Bingo."
SHOW: MEMORIAL
Rudy died.
His estate totaled $30,000.
After paying all the bills at the funeral home and cemetery,his widow, Frances, tells her closest friend that there is none of the $30,000 left.
Her friend says, "How can that be?
Frances explains, “The funeral cost was $6,500. And of course I made a donation to the church. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know.
The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"
Frances says, "Three carats."
THIS WEEK‘S BEST LINK... DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?
http://www.learnenglish.org.uk/games/magic-gopher-central.swf
IS IT REAL OR IS IT A HOAX. CHECK OUT THESE PHOTOS
http://i.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/4462/real_or_hoax1.swf
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Read This Week’s Suddenly SeniorBOOMERS FEAR OF SENIORDOM SCARYToday’s aging Boomers are whistling in the cemetery whenever they hear the word “senior.” They want something better, they say. Yet could it be they’re just not good enough yet to be called seniors? READ FULL STORY HERE : SUBSCRIBE TO SUDDENLY SENIOR!FREE! Join 31,000 of the most intelligent people on earth getting Suddenly Senior™ (and "World's Best Jokes") free by e-mail. CLICK HERE!
SEXY STUFF ABOUT SENIORS
"Hey, Cutie Pie. I've Got Viagra!"A Look at Today's Senior Dating. : Dating, the second time around, has its pitfalls. Senior men seem to believe mature women want nothing more than a warm body who doesn't miss the toilet too often. Senior women claim they're lucky to find a man who can remember where he left his teeth. Learn the ugly truth here.
Sex After Death? Heaven Forbid! : As we slip and slide toward the inevitable, is there a senior among us who hasn't pondered the possibility of hot sex beyond those pearly gates? Eternity is a long time to go without a good roll in the hay.
The Key to Great Sex : What really catches my eye is the dazzling red type across from the photo saying, "Your Penis Shrinks 19.8% as you get older due to deficiency of testosterone!"
Taking It All Off for GeezerCam : With WebCams for everything else, it's time for GeezerCam. The camera could follow my every movement from the times I get up in the middle of the night to pee right through my exciting day until my wife and I shake hands at bedtime. Exciting? You bet!
THIS WEEK'S BEST 222 SENIOR SITES http://www.suddenlysenior.com/links.shtml
THE BEST OF SENIOR SEX http://www.suddenlysenior.com/sexpage.html
SEE THE BEST SENIOR NOSTALGIA ANYWHERE, http://www.suddenlysenior.com/nostalgiapage.html
SEE THE BEST SENIOR TRIVIA ANYWHERE, http://www.suddenlysenior.com/triviapage.html
Hugs, Carolyn
[This week there was an older woman with a red bandana and on a red Keen Bike! Wheeee!]
Carolyn Kaiser http://us.f308.mail.yahoo.com/ym/Compose?To=frank@suddenlysenior.com
Frank Kaiser http://us.f308.mail.yahoo.com/ym/Compose?To=frank@suddenlysenior.com
http://www.suddenlysenior.com/ : Suddenly Senior — the internationally syndicated column read by 2.3 million bright folks over 50 in 131 countries all of whom have become senior way before their time.
posted by LadyIrene @ 2/19/2007 11:41:00 PM
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